the imago effect: How your past shapes your present attraction

After years of navigating relationships without a clear strategy, I've decided to take a more intentional approach. After a decade of marriage, 18 years of supporting a recovering alcoholic husband and dealing with active alcoholics, therapy sessions, single parenting, and two decades of dating, I've reached a profound realization: relationships aren't about the other person; they're about us. This truth, while not particularly romantic or idealistic, is fundamental. We tend to attract individuals who highlight our own challenging traits.

This phenomenon can be understood through the IMAGO concept, which suggests: "What we unconsciously attract in a partner embodies both the positive and negative traits of our parents that impacted (triggers) us the most."

With this in mind, I reflected on my parents. My father was charming, handsome, fun, aloof, and often emotionally unavailable. My mother was brilliant, controlling, unpredictable, and carried a poverty mindset and victim mentality. Unsurprisingly, I found myself drawn to men who embodied these same characteristics: handsome, charming, fun, aloof, brilliant, controlling, and unpredictable. The key phrase here is "that triggered you most." In my case, I was particularly attracted to charming and controlling types. If you haven't experienced this combination, I wouldn't recommend it. However, it certainly shed light on many of my past relationships.

Moreover, we often attract partners who reflect the qualities we need to develop within ourselves. For me, this meant confronting my struggles with confidence, my desire for validation, and my ability to manage my emotions. Recognizing these patterns has been a crucial step in my journey toward healthier relationships.  So, consider this theory the next time you are confused about your choices in relationships.  It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you.

---